ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
