Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
