I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
