onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
