shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
