It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
