Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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