2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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