hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
