I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize