You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Boobs speak an international language.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
