He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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