i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
