do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
