I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
