i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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