When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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