apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
