Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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