When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
