well I can't set my house on fire every night
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
