I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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