some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
