I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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