He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
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I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
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No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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