I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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