The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
