new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
