I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
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He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
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You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
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