I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
