I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
