Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
