If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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