shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
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I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
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Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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