I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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