On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
