I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
