Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
