The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
