i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
