I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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