I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
