My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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