Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
