omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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