THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.