are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
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It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
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almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms