There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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