I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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