Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
