I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
