the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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