apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
