Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
