ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
