Swine flu. Run for my life!
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
