Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
